Silly Me

It now takes about 7 lortabs to feel a buzz. That's crazy. But not as crazy as the compulsion to find them and take them. I realize once I take them that in general I don't even like the feeling I get. I get irritable and nauseous. When I come down, I have a headache. I think to myself why do I even take this shit. But low and behold, a day later I can't wait to get my hands on some. It's like that with alcohol too. It stopped working for me a long time ago but about every six months I will get a strong desire to drink. This used to happen everyday so I suppose I have gotten a little better but still...my mind is very self-destructive. That's how I know this is a disease. I pride myself on being intelligent but where chemicals are concerned, I make no sense. And the memories of some of the things I did under the influence of these chemicals. God, I just have to cringe.