Alrighty then

We are human and so much goes wrong with our bodies. My Batcha is dying, thats Japanese for grandmother. She is bleeding out somehow, my daughter says.. It sounds awful. She was such a little woman. I remember the last time I saw her and she said, o, you get so fat. With her little Japanese accent and haircut and body. When I met her she was my husbands sisters mother in law. Figure that one out. But she made such an impression on whoever she came in contact with. She said exactly what she thought and she said it with a scowl and broken English. She was cute. Seems so sad she has to die, especially from bleeding out and whatever that entails.
And then my Aunt Sister, she says how much she wishes God would just take her home. Really she started dying after my uncle died. The doctor helped it along by blotching up a surgery for hip replacement. He messed up a nerve in her spine and she has spinal stenosis. Which apparently means that your whole fucking body hurts and you slowly just stop trying. She has to use a walker to get around but probably this time next year she won't be able to stand up on her own. So I hear how horrible she feels. I picture in my mind a flower wilting and dying. Probably over-dramatic but it hurts just the same.
She was one of those ladies who does everything for everyone and smiles the whole time. As a matter of fact I am taking this moment to call her... I told her I loved her. I see her everyday and get her groceries and drive her to the doctor and do what she needs done around the house...
DON'T LET THAT FOOL YA. I have stolen from her,lied to her, probably condemned her to more pain all for the morphine high of her medications. I am a low life, a user and abuser. A snake in the grass. And I don't want to be any of that really... the truth is I just want some fucking drugs. Some relief bottom line. I want some way to stop thinking about THIS. The truth that we all die and suffer while we are here. The human condition is so reprehensible to me that I see no hope. We just keep going on and on and on. And then there are people that believe in God. I do, but I am not sure what I think about him. I see people destroyed by tragedy and pain, and if there is a God why wouldn't he stop it? If He loves us sooooo much? If he is sooooo powerful? Yeah, I have come to the conclusion that you can't be both and have the world the way it is. There is no way that a God that loves us soooo much would ever let us suffer the way we do as humans if he had the power to stop it. Doesn't it make you a little angry that God is just watching it and letting it happen? I get high so I don't have to think of these things. Just take me away, give me some euphoria, just a little pleasure please. Something...to make this shit worth it