First blog

Not the greatest decision maker so picking my settings and fonts and shit took an hour. Hope ya like it. Then again, I will probably never know. There are so many blogs in the world, who would give a percent of a shit about mine. Besides, this is mostly for me. A confessional you might say. I'm not Catholic but I'd love to go to confession. Really get it out. I have so much to confess. First, while I am writing this tonight, I am relatively sober, besides the meds I have to take. I have been taking meds for depression since I was 13. Then I had meds for bipolar tacked on, then ADD, then something so I didn't sleep all the time. Another doctor has prescribed me meds for stopping smoking which, can you guess, I haven't done. Biding my time you could say. I will quit.
I spent I would say 30% of my time today wishing I could do drugs, 30% trying to talk myself into getting up and doing something. The other 40% was spent thinking about whatever stupid, tragic things I have done to my children and family, or just feeling general guilt. Guilt is my greatest motivator. They say when it hurts enough, you change it. Ha, if that were only true. Being a liar and a thief is part of me now. I just step outside myself and do it. I watch myself fucking up from a distance. Shrinks call that disassociation. Whatever.
so ... buckle up and enjoy the ride. It gets pretty hairy but hey, I'm the one livin it.