Silly Me

It now takes about 7 lortabs to feel a buzz. That's crazy. But not as crazy as the compulsion to find them and take them. I realize once I take them that in general I don't even like the feeling I get. I get irritable and nauseous. When I come down, I have a headache. I think to myself why do I even take this shit. But low and behold, a day later I can't wait to get my hands on some. It's like that with alcohol too. It stopped working for me a long time ago but about every six months I will get a strong desire to drink. This used to happen everyday so I suppose I have gotten a little better but still...my mind is very self-destructive. That's how I know this is a disease. I pride myself on being intelligent but where chemicals are concerned, I make no sense. And the memories of some of the things I did under the influence of these chemicals. God, I just have to cringe.

God therapy

I went to see my therapist today. She gave me an assignment. I'm supposed to write down everything I think about God. And i know that if I could resolve this issue everything else would fall into place. It's a God issue with me and a daddy issue. Everything else is extra. It centers there. And i can see it so clearly. Yet here I am stuck in the guts of it and I can't get past. It would be so cool to be able to step outside myself and fix what's wrong. But I can't. I know what's wrong and how to fix it. I just don't have the right tools. I am aware of them. I know which tools to use... shit enough with the symbolics. I'm fucked up and broken. I know what will fix me. And yet I haven't a clue what to do. I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT AND I'M SCARED TO DEATH!!!

Ahhh

Well, I got some lortab yesterday. Of course I had to steal them. (which if I'm honest with myself is part of the thrill) So I've been cleaning today and calling relatives and friends I haven't talked to in awhile. Among them- my mother. It's not that I don't love her but she is a total control freak. She tries to control me from a whole nother part of the United States and she makes me feel guilty til I do what she wants. Really I fear her. She used to hit me alot. Actually it hasn't been a year since she hit me last. I was visiting her and staying at her house while seeing my three kids. She wanted me to get off the phone and I was talking to my husband and wasn't done. Plus I'm 37 fucking years old. I think I can talk on the phone now. So since I was ignoring her she walked over to me and started hitting me hard on my arm. Well I lost it and jumped up and started hitting her back on her arms and chest. I backed her all the way across the side of the pool. (we were in her back yard) What upset me so bad was that I just kinda lost it. I was backing her up before I even thought about it. I am afraid that if she hits me, one day I am really gonna lose it and hurt her.
 The sad part was that I talked to my dad (step-father) about it and though he is always a reasonable guy, he actually said, you know your mother wouldn't hit you if she didn't care about you. What kind of horseshit is that. I just nodded and kept my mouth shut. Wow, the thought that hitting someone means you care... Well, all the men in my life must have really cared about me, especially the last one. He almost killed me several times. But then again, I felt I deserved it back then. But now I got me a good man. He doesn't drink, do drugs, or smoke. He keeps me in line through his love.
Well, I need to go clean before this shit wears off and I become lazy again.

Euphoria

Well, I have been cleaning the house today, which is weird because I usually only really clean when I am on some type of opiate. My shrink says I'm full of shit, that opiates don't give people energy. Well, fuck him! They do me. I take a handful of lortabs or oxycodone and I feel charged. Absolutely alive and full of energy. I say the right things, can do the right things, hell, I even feel the right way. Besides, what would he know about it? I seriously doubt the man's ever taken a handful of anything in his life, let alone some fucking drugs. But he is an earth person. Thats what I call people who arent addicts. They are different. They set goals, put on their blinders and just do life. I want more than that. I have to stop and look around, test the water, analyze the shit outa it. I'm that kid that keeps asking why. I can't just take people's word for it. I have to do it myself. I could have a panic attack watching someone sweep the floor- I want to do it. Hey, let me...I want to see if I can do it better. You missed a spot. but that's just me. And probably what gets me in my messes alot of the time. There are more qualified people to do things but I want to do it myself. Except when it comes to doing the right things. Thats boring. Most of the time the wrong thing is where the fun's at. Which is another thing I don't understand about God. We have these instincts, this human nature. It's natural to do the wrong things. Well, didn't God make us? With all these flaws? So why would that be something I would have to be condemned for? He made me imperfect so why would I need to ask forgiveness for something thats in my nature to do? I try to do the right things but naturally I can't every time. There's a flaw in my design. Not something I chose but something I was born with, something that was given to me. So how is that my fault. I can only try to do what's right, and expect that its not gonna be right all the time, because I'm human. But to feel guilty for how I was made? To pit myself against myself and feel guilty when I can't win. That's absurd.

Alrighty then

We are human and so much goes wrong with our bodies. My Batcha is dying, thats Japanese for grandmother. She is bleeding out somehow, my daughter says.. It sounds awful. She was such a little woman. I remember the last time I saw her and she said, o, you get so fat. With her little Japanese accent and haircut and body. When I met her she was my husbands sisters mother in law. Figure that one out. But she made such an impression on whoever she came in contact with. She said exactly what she thought and she said it with a scowl and broken English. She was cute. Seems so sad she has to die, especially from bleeding out and whatever that entails.
And then my Aunt Sister, she says how much she wishes God would just take her home. Really she started dying after my uncle died. The doctor helped it along by blotching up a surgery for hip replacement. He messed up a nerve in her spine and she has spinal stenosis. Which apparently means that your whole fucking body hurts and you slowly just stop trying. She has to use a walker to get around but probably this time next year she won't be able to stand up on her own. So I hear how horrible she feels. I picture in my mind a flower wilting and dying. Probably over-dramatic but it hurts just the same.
She was one of those ladies who does everything for everyone and smiles the whole time. As a matter of fact I am taking this moment to call her... I told her I loved her. I see her everyday and get her groceries and drive her to the doctor and do what she needs done around the house...
DON'T LET THAT FOOL YA. I have stolen from her,lied to her, probably condemned her to more pain all for the morphine high of her medications. I am a low life, a user and abuser. A snake in the grass. And I don't want to be any of that really... the truth is I just want some fucking drugs. Some relief bottom line. I want some way to stop thinking about THIS. The truth that we all die and suffer while we are here. The human condition is so reprehensible to me that I see no hope. We just keep going on and on and on. And then there are people that believe in God. I do, but I am not sure what I think about him. I see people destroyed by tragedy and pain, and if there is a God why wouldn't he stop it? If He loves us sooooo much? If he is sooooo powerful? Yeah, I have come to the conclusion that you can't be both and have the world the way it is. There is no way that a God that loves us soooo much would ever let us suffer the way we do as humans if he had the power to stop it. Doesn't it make you a little angry that God is just watching it and letting it happen? I get high so I don't have to think of these things. Just take me away, give me some euphoria, just a little pleasure please. Something...to make this shit worth it

DXM

So I decided today to robo. I have always been embarrassed of this medication. When I was 13 I had to go into a 'hospital' for people who were sad. Pretty much I wanted to die cause of my father but that is a story for another time. At this hospital I learned that you could drink Robitussin cough medicine and get high. The kid who told me didn't elaborate on what exactly it does to you. It gets you real fuckin high. Actually I don't think high is the word. I'll say trip because that's much closer.
Anyway, I tried it at school that week, only I took just plain Robitussin. I just felt full. I had told my friend about it and told her the regular stuff doesn't do it, it has to be DM. So that next week we got outa school early and we drank 8 ounces apiece. And we fuckin tripped. It was like leaving my body, actually my spirit coming out of me and seeing everything from over my shoulder and a little to the right. No kidding.
I enjoyed it so much that I did it at school a few times and then, later that year, I did exactly what I always do with anything I like and I took too much. My friends dropped me off on my parents porch, three hours before curfew, rang the doorbell and took off. I don't blame them. See I thought that none of that was really happening, this was only a dream. And a funny dream! I think I actually laughed in my mother's face as she slapped mine repeatedly. So where ya think they put me? Back at the 'hospital'. Only on the OTHER SIDE. The side for druggies and alcoholic teens. Only back then in the 90's not alot of people knew about robo, so when I told the group, they laughed me outa the building...literally. I was sent back to the sad side. Oh joy.
So that's why it embarrasses me. But let me just say that its called DXM now and there are web sites dedicated to it. I am fucked up now but coming down a little. When I take it, I see. I mean I really see what's happening with everything in this crazy world. I realize we are too stupid to be this smart. Sound strange?  I think our technology will destroy us. One day some scientist somewhere will split the wrong goddamn atom and that will be that. Boom. I can actually picture God looking down on us after Adam has eaten the fruit and everything has gone wrong(obviously). When asked by an angel, you gonna destroy them now? And he says,Nah. they can do that themselves.

First blog

Not the greatest decision maker so picking my settings and fonts and shit took an hour. Hope ya like it. Then again, I will probably never know. There are so many blogs in the world, who would give a percent of a shit about mine. Besides, this is mostly for me. A confessional you might say. I'm not Catholic but I'd love to go to confession. Really get it out. I have so much to confess. First, while I am writing this tonight, I am relatively sober, besides the meds I have to take. I have been taking meds for depression since I was 13. Then I had meds for bipolar tacked on, then ADD, then something so I didn't sleep all the time. Another doctor has prescribed me meds for stopping smoking which, can you guess, I haven't done. Biding my time you could say. I will quit.
I spent I would say 30% of my time today wishing I could do drugs, 30% trying to talk myself into getting up and doing something. The other 40% was spent thinking about whatever stupid, tragic things I have done to my children and family, or just feeling general guilt. Guilt is my greatest motivator. They say when it hurts enough, you change it. Ha, if that were only true. Being a liar and a thief is part of me now. I just step outside myself and do it. I watch myself fucking up from a distance. Shrinks call that disassociation. Whatever.
so ... buckle up and enjoy the ride. It gets pretty hairy but hey, I'm the one livin it.