Ahhh

Well, I got some lortab yesterday. Of course I had to steal them. (which if I'm honest with myself is part of the thrill) So I've been cleaning today and calling relatives and friends I haven't talked to in awhile. Among them- my mother. It's not that I don't love her but she is a total control freak. She tries to control me from a whole nother part of the United States and she makes me feel guilty til I do what she wants. Really I fear her. She used to hit me alot. Actually it hasn't been a year since she hit me last. I was visiting her and staying at her house while seeing my three kids. She wanted me to get off the phone and I was talking to my husband and wasn't done. Plus I'm 37 fucking years old. I think I can talk on the phone now. So since I was ignoring her she walked over to me and started hitting me hard on my arm. Well I lost it and jumped up and started hitting her back on her arms and chest. I backed her all the way across the side of the pool. (we were in her back yard) What upset me so bad was that I just kinda lost it. I was backing her up before I even thought about it. I am afraid that if she hits me, one day I am really gonna lose it and hurt her.
 The sad part was that I talked to my dad (step-father) about it and though he is always a reasonable guy, he actually said, you know your mother wouldn't hit you if she didn't care about you. What kind of horseshit is that. I just nodded and kept my mouth shut. Wow, the thought that hitting someone means you care... Well, all the men in my life must have really cared about me, especially the last one. He almost killed me several times. But then again, I felt I deserved it back then. But now I got me a good man. He doesn't drink, do drugs, or smoke. He keeps me in line through his love.
Well, I need to go clean before this shit wears off and I become lazy again.