What can I say?

These drugs have really got a hold on me. I can figure most things out. I have overcome some terrible things in my life. But my worst enemy is me. Some might say I need rehab...hmmm. If it didn't help me after going five times (not even counting detox) then I seriously doubt it would help now. I know the solutions, the 'answers'. No one could tell me anything I don't already know. But once you taste the euphoria of a drug, its hard not to want it again. The hardest part is the obsession of the mind. Spending most of your time wishing you had a certain drug, you might as well do it...I mean if you are gonna think about it anyway. I attended my first AA meeting when I was 18. I hadn't even been thru 10% of the hell I would go thru and I already knew I had a problem. But AA tells you you must believe in a higher power. Where does that leave me? I can't just pick and chose what I think about God, its pretty much been burnt into me from the way it was shoved down my throat ever since I can remember and even now when I go to the church I am a member of. Maybe I can choose what I want to believe about God but it doesn't seem right. There's too many questions. Maybe I can just believe in good vs evil. Make God the greater good of this world. That might work. I'll try it