The Daddy Issue

I've been thinking about my daddy alot today. After he remarried when I was 11, I didn't see him much and we started to lose touch. I wrote him a letter saying that I missed him. Unfortunately, he wrote back:


I received your letter, but I really don’t know how to answer it. First of all, apparently your definition of “Daddy” is a lot different than mine. I feel like a Daddy is more than a phone call. A Daddy should be someone involved in activities, the happy times not just the problems. A Daddy should be consulted for opinions and asked approval for outings, trips, Etc. I never know where you are going or where you have been. I have never been included in your life so in a way I guess you were right- I’ve never been a Daddy to you. Sure I used to call every week, but I still didn’t know what was going on. Neither my permission nor my opinion was asked for anything.
Just for instance last Thanksgiving I made plans for you to come (as you had every other year), can you imagine my feelings when I found out you were in Florida. I think a “Daddy” should have gotten more consideration.
You say we’ve grown apart, but after all ya’ll are the ones that left, moved to Memphis and are ”too busy” to visit regularly. The only time you wanted to come was when you didn’t have anything else to do. I can’t be expected to live that way. I have things to do also and I found myself sitting, not making plans, waiting for you to come.
You have your family there and Ed has more say in your life than I do. He’s there everyday and has been for the past several years. I can’t compete with that. You turn to him- he’s there, I’m not. You will never be able to become a complete member of my family because if nothing else, you live in Memphis and I never see you. I want you to be happy and I want you to have the Daddy you said in your letter you wanted. I want you to accept Ed, he’s there for you. I can’t be. I can’t speak for him, but I understand that he does want you to be his daughter.
Karen has mentioned in the past that she and Ed wanted to adopt you. I don’t know if they do or not, but if they do, I think it would be the best for everyone. There is no reason this should change your relationship with Doris. I hope you will talk this over with Karen and Ed.

He didn't sign it. All I could think was what the fuck. This wasn't what I intended when I wrote him. Besides I thought I was a part of his family when I was born. Was it because Mom and him adopted me when I was born? God, so many questions I need(ed) answered.
About a year ago his mother died so I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. I knew he'd be there but I wasn't sure what I'd say. I went with my aunt and graveside he saw us standing there. So he started making his rounds telling people thanks and eventually he got to my aunt. He asked, "whose this pretty young lady who's with you?" She said, 'his is your daughter Billy Earl" I felt so mortified I turned my back and started talking to my cousin. He moved on. Then I thought, "this is my chance to talk to him. I won't get another one" So I walked right up to him and said, "I need to talk to you but first I want a hug." I embraced him but he acted like he was hugging a turd and barely put his arms around me. I said,"i just want you to know that I forgive you." He looked confused and I walked away.
Forgive you? That wasn't what I really wanted to say. I really wanted to scream why??? how could you do that to me when I idolized you. You were my daddy for God's sake! Instead what comes out is I forgive you! Shit!
He did cry rather hard during the funeral but that could've just been for my grand ma. Sometimes I kick myself for relieving his conscience when I'm still having trouble getting over it. Ha! Get over it. Let go. Just how the hell does one do that?