omg

I am so screwed. Two plants...wtf? Now I am a criminal. I decided to grow my plants in hopes that I didn't have to go out to the drug dealers and such. I could just grow my plant here. Didn't work. I got arrested. How can they tell me I can't grow a plant? It's fucked up. It's all getting crazy.

Shit or get off the pot

Well I guess that's one way to put it. Since I am such a blunt person, its prolly the perfect way to say it. Also, get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. That's good too. Regardless, I just need to practice what I preach. There are several different ways I can look at life. It's gonna go on and on, with or without me. I may bitch and moan and complain but that doesn't change the fact that really, I like life. Lately, I could go so far as to say I love life. Whoa...watch out now.
It's obvious I have been given 1,000 second chances by fate or God. I feel very blessed. When I deal with other people, I try to make them smile and feel good about themselves. Time to practice what I preach for myself. The past month I have been cheering up, thinking positive. And wouldn't you know it, positive things have been coming around. Of course there are little things that happen that are bad but if I look at them in regards to the scheme of things in life, they are really nothing more than a slight pain in the ass. My 3 year anniversary is tomorrow. While this man isn't perfect, he's certainly more than I deserve. And I'm thankful for him. The promotion at work is closer and closer. My son is coming down here for a month on the 12th.
Things really are good in my life when I'm not analyzing the shit out of them, making them bad. Hey, this thing is doable yet

What can I say?

These drugs have really got a hold on me. I can figure most things out. I have overcome some terrible things in my life. But my worst enemy is me. Some might say I need rehab...hmmm. If it didn't help me after going five times (not even counting detox) then I seriously doubt it would help now. I know the solutions, the 'answers'. No one could tell me anything I don't already know. But once you taste the euphoria of a drug, its hard not to want it again. The hardest part is the obsession of the mind. Spending most of your time wishing you had a certain drug, you might as well do it...I mean if you are gonna think about it anyway. I attended my first AA meeting when I was 18. I hadn't even been thru 10% of the hell I would go thru and I already knew I had a problem. But AA tells you you must believe in a higher power. Where does that leave me? I can't just pick and chose what I think about God, its pretty much been burnt into me from the way it was shoved down my throat ever since I can remember and even now when I go to the church I am a member of. Maybe I can choose what I want to believe about God but it doesn't seem right. There's too many questions. Maybe I can just believe in good vs evil. Make God the greater good of this world. That might work. I'll try it

untitled

So I've been answering questions on this web site from people out there that I guess have computer's and want some advice. Isn't it crazy that I can give kick ass advice but I can't take it. Like I've got pearls of wisdom from doing everything the wrong way. I guess I can see now how my past experiences can beused to help other people which is cool cause it's not good for jack shit else except depression and cringes. But I have to wonder if people are like me and drive past the guy(freak) on the road trying to flag me down to tell me about some enormous disaster that awaits if I keep going. No thanks! and I wave... I'll just check it out for myself, that guy was probably crazy...

hmmm

I have a very strong desire to get fucked up today. My kids came this weekend and I have to miss them all over again now that they've gone back. Went to a Fun Party (sex toys party) last night. Got some things that will cheer me up, and especially cheer my hubby up! I think I'll go check them out before he gets home!!!!

The Daddy Issue

I've been thinking about my daddy alot today. After he remarried when I was 11, I didn't see him much and we started to lose touch. I wrote him a letter saying that I missed him. Unfortunately, he wrote back:


I received your letter, but I really don’t know how to answer it. First of all, apparently your definition of “Daddy” is a lot different than mine. I feel like a Daddy is more than a phone call. A Daddy should be someone involved in activities, the happy times not just the problems. A Daddy should be consulted for opinions and asked approval for outings, trips, Etc. I never know where you are going or where you have been. I have never been included in your life so in a way I guess you were right- I’ve never been a Daddy to you. Sure I used to call every week, but I still didn’t know what was going on. Neither my permission nor my opinion was asked for anything.
Just for instance last Thanksgiving I made plans for you to come (as you had every other year), can you imagine my feelings when I found out you were in Florida. I think a “Daddy” should have gotten more consideration.
You say we’ve grown apart, but after all ya’ll are the ones that left, moved to Memphis and are ”too busy” to visit regularly. The only time you wanted to come was when you didn’t have anything else to do. I can’t be expected to live that way. I have things to do also and I found myself sitting, not making plans, waiting for you to come.
You have your family there and Ed has more say in your life than I do. He’s there everyday and has been for the past several years. I can’t compete with that. You turn to him- he’s there, I’m not. You will never be able to become a complete member of my family because if nothing else, you live in Memphis and I never see you. I want you to be happy and I want you to have the Daddy you said in your letter you wanted. I want you to accept Ed, he’s there for you. I can’t be. I can’t speak for him, but I understand that he does want you to be his daughter.
Karen has mentioned in the past that she and Ed wanted to adopt you. I don’t know if they do or not, but if they do, I think it would be the best for everyone. There is no reason this should change your relationship with Doris. I hope you will talk this over with Karen and Ed.

He didn't sign it. All I could think was what the fuck. This wasn't what I intended when I wrote him. Besides I thought I was a part of his family when I was born. Was it because Mom and him adopted me when I was born? God, so many questions I need(ed) answered.
About a year ago his mother died so I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. I knew he'd be there but I wasn't sure what I'd say. I went with my aunt and graveside he saw us standing there. So he started making his rounds telling people thanks and eventually he got to my aunt. He asked, "whose this pretty young lady who's with you?" She said, 'his is your daughter Billy Earl" I felt so mortified I turned my back and started talking to my cousin. He moved on. Then I thought, "this is my chance to talk to him. I won't get another one" So I walked right up to him and said, "I need to talk to you but first I want a hug." I embraced him but he acted like he was hugging a turd and barely put his arms around me. I said,"i just want you to know that I forgive you." He looked confused and I walked away.
Forgive you? That wasn't what I really wanted to say. I really wanted to scream why??? how could you do that to me when I idolized you. You were my daddy for God's sake! Instead what comes out is I forgive you! Shit!
He did cry rather hard during the funeral but that could've just been for my grand ma. Sometimes I kick myself for relieving his conscience when I'm still having trouble getting over it. Ha! Get over it. Let go. Just how the hell does one do that?

Going strong

Its been a few days since my last post and things are going well. I feel motivated. Started eating better. Try to just DO things that need to be done. I have a little more confidence too. I think the lack of confidence was something I used drugs to overcome. Now when I say drugs, I am not including marijuana. Weed is a plant, not a fucking drug. It still amazes me how much freedom we have in America yet I can't smoke a bud off a plant if I want to. That seems a little crazy to me. Especially since I can drink alcohol, which kills thousands of peopledaily. Weed doesn't kill you. The problem is its not legal so to get it you have to put yourself in harms way. Here's my theory...you get drunk and kill your wife. You get high and forget to kill your wife. One day America will wake from the propaganda we've been fed concerning weed, and we will realize all the positive effects of smoking marijuana. I just hope its in my lifetime